My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
