I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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