happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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