Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
