Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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