Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
