he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
