Umm I'm too high to move.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
No...this little piggys going to the bar
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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