why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
