she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
