now i know why i became what i already was.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
