He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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