you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
