the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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