Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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