make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
