Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
