We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
