She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
