A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
