I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
