you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
