so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
