just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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