two words: eviction party
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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