I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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