There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I just gargled with NyQuil
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
