Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
