I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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