Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
dude i'm inner monologue high
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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