and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
