ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
