I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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