There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
