Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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