I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
