so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
