Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize