also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Are my feet made of real feet?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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