Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
