i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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