do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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