you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
a search helicopter?!
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
