I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Randomize
