She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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