I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
