let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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