Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
