I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
