it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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