i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
