Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
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