yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
