awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I want a musical about memes.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
